It’s Monday, the weekend is over and I’m glad another day has almost finished. The days now get longer and time flies by so incredibly fast that I feel I am getting old too quick. What have I done with my life the past few years? How does it come that I end up like a wooden shipwreck on the ocean’s bottom? I don’t know. But asking myself this question every morning when I get up from this old uncomfortable mattress. So tired that I wish I could sleep forever and not waking up again. Yes, it feels exactly like this.
Last year I lost simply everything, car, insurances, my small apartment including furniture and all other stuff due of being too kind to somebody who took advantage of me. I am not highly educated nor skilled in professions, that’s why I’ve had worked my entire life so far, since I am 15, as laborer on construction sites. Could not build up savings. Now with 34 years my back, hands and knees are done from this work. Had to move to my mother’s & sister’s apartment for a short time, both had to move to my sister’s father because of his disability he needed help in his everyday life.
So, I was homeless almost three months at the beginning of this year. Slept in basements or abandoned buildings. What a terrible experience this was you can imagine for yourself. Now I have a small room for the nights and have to share the place where I am currently with others. Constantly seeking for small job gigs in this rural area, which is almost impossible because of no industry and demographic issues. Have been searching for help the past few months without any success. The truth is, I could ask all eight billion people on this planet, but no one would give me the needed help to end this nightmare. Which is understandable of course.
What can you do when you need help but there is no one who’s listening, no friends, since they left due of my situation, family has their own issues and cannot be of a help, if there is no solution? You accept this after a time, and just hope that someday in the near future all ends, and then you can sleep for eternity. It shouldn’t sound negative or sad but at this point I am no longer able to look forward. I do not see any future.
My only and probably last solution is moving to the next bigger city. Could work there as car painter and even make some good salary. But I cannot simply move or rent a small apartment, since I have nothing to go there. No savings to pay rental deposit, or to get a few pieces of furniture, to ride out the first few weeks until getting paid. No one will help you when you are in such situation as I am now, but I understand this totally. I have tried long enough to find somebody who is able to lend me a small loan for this move to a better future. It’s not about a handout, because I want to pay it back. It’s also about ending a nightmare and starting a new life, this is what organisations or banks do not understand.
So, I simply accept the fact that my life is done. Let’s be honest.. There is no option, any help or magic force that will grant you a wish. Life or the world in generally is not like this. I am not sad or depressive, because I have accepted my destiny and unfortunately we cannot change our destiny. I will be happy again when all has ended, and I can finally sleep. For eternity.